


Our Reigning Asshole is an Idiot

by G_is_a_Dinneroll, Typhemoonrise



Series: Oikawa is the Dumbest Smart Person, Iwaizumi is Ready to Fight Godzilla, Watari has a Bible, and other Crazy Seijou Shenanigans [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Iwaizumi has Oikawa as wife in his phone WE WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS, M/M, Swearing, Tea Party, at the same time tho haters no thank you, g a y, made at 2am please forgive errors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25516165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/G_is_a_Dinneroll/pseuds/G_is_a_Dinneroll, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Typhemoonrise/pseuds/Typhemoonrise
Summary: Oikawa’s phone buzzes.From: Daddy <3 | 2:26 pm{To: The Family Dog | 1:56 pm[Did you break him?]From: The Family Dog | 1:57 pm[Fuck yeah i did.]}To: Daddy <3 | 2:27pm[Are you fucking KIDDING me?!]
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kindaichi Yuutarou/Kunimi Akira, Kyoutani Kentarou/Yahaba Shigeru
Series: Oikawa is the Dumbest Smart Person, Iwaizumi is Ready to Fight Godzilla, Watari has a Bible, and other Crazy Seijou Shenanigans [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1848574
Comments: 17
Kudos: 107





	Our Reigning Asshole is an Idiot

**Author's Note:**

> Yoo-hoo~ This is a two author fic, Moon and I worked on this together, and it was hella fun! (thank you moon <3) We really hope you enjoy their shenanigans and just letting you know, we might have some more anecdotes to add onto this...

The sun was shining through the brightly washed window pane and the birds were chirping beautifully on the branches of the large birch tree that shaded the white-picketed fenced in backyard. The beautiful white painted wooden picnic table - with matching benches of course - were settled under the tree. A red and white checkered tablecloth (like in those American movies) was neatly spread out on the table top, lovely fine china picturesquely placed in strategic positions to give off a perfect picture. At least, it would have, if not for the extreme amount of screeching coming from the head of it. 

At the head of the table, sat the source of the noise. He was tall, that was for sure, stood probably around six feet. He was lanky but in no way petite, He had a strong face, sharp jaw, high cheekbones. He looked like a cross between a supermodel and a painting, so perfect like it was too good to be true. He had chocolate brown eyes, simple enough at first glance, but if you looked at them for a while you could see almost flecks of different colors that made them just that more perfect. His hair was a similar shade of brown, but in the sunlight looked almost purple. It looked so soft, but the way it was styled showed off the sheer amount of product used in it. His eyes were lost in the  _ expression _ . His resting face showed off pure arrogance, like he was judging and looking down on every move you made. But his current expression, his eyebrows were furrowed and looked like they could touch his eyes at this point, nose scrunched in something between disgust and annoyance, his mouth such a fine line, higher on his face at one end. If looks could kill, anyone who caught eyes with this guy would be six feet under. 

The ungodly noises that came from that end of the table sounded nearly inhuman, but the man sitting there very clearly looked normal, if not for the strangeness he exhibited. He stood up very abruptly, his chair nearly falling backwards and began to pace in circles, his free hand coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose. His eyes pulled a half hearted attempt at rolling, like they didn’t even have the energy to do that anymore, he let out a frustrated breath and his mouth ended up in a very childish pout.

“You’re not coming to my tea party? Mattsun, I made  _ biscuits! _ ” Oikawa whined into his cellphone, stamping his feet like a child throwing a fit in a grocery store, “I’ve spent ages putting this together Mattsun, you can  _ not  _ flake on me!” 

On his left, another man around the same age sat. He was shorter, but not by much; he had a much wider build with broad shoulders. His jawline was slightly sharper, his face a more intense furrow. His eyebrows crinkled to the point where they looked stuck there. His face was currently buried in his hands, flush to his neck from either anger or embarrassment - or both. His hair is brown (almost black) and his eyes are a deep green that you just can’t look away from. When he does look up, his jaw is clenching, almost as if he's looking for a fight. 

There were only two other people at the table; one is shorter than the first two but still relatively tall. His fluffy hair is a very light brown that’s almost silver in the sunlight. He’s more petite than Oikawa, but not by much. He’s got a softer look, but still has a pretty strong jawline. His face is pale - almost sick - and a grimace sometimes shoots across his eyes that have long glazed over. His posture is straight as an arrow, shoulders up and tense, and his hand absentmindedly wringing the fabric of his pants. 

The final boy next to him is the shortest of the four of them, his hair cut short and bleached blond - except for two stripes right above his ears. His eyeliner framed eyes are narrowed, clear wrath not hiding his large eyebags. He’s similar to Iwaizumi in build (the broader, wider sort) but he didn't quite have as much muscle. His eyes are a pooling amber - sharp, wary, and eerily beautiful. Despite the almost casual way he sat, elbow leisurely propping up his face on the table, his powerful gaze followed Oikawa like a dog would look at a particular person they hated; one would think he was about to start growling at any moment. His hand extended to the pale faced boy next to him, their fingers intertwined intimately under the table; the shorter boy was soothingly running a thumb across the other's knuckles.

After a few minutes (that felt like hours to everyone else sitting at the table) Oikawa  _ finally  _ lowered the phone from his ear with a huff, aggressively tapping on the screen with his thumb to hang up the call. He whirled around nimbly and plopped himself back in his seat, reclining like a king in his throne.

"Can you  _ believe _ the nerve of them? This is  _ supposed _ to be a couples tea party, and they aren't even here. They are  _ totally _ running extra laps when practice starts on Monday. I can't even-" the beautiful brunette starts ranting as he grips the handle of his tea cup in a death grip, firmly pressing his lips to the brim.

Iwaizumi's eyes glazed over as he turned away from his partner, automatically tuning him into background noise. He started piling a few biscuits on his tiny platter ( _ where the hell did Oikawa even get these, anyway? _ ) He was up before ten on a Sunday morning so you can bet he was gonna eat a ton to make up for it. 

He absentmindedly brings a baked good up to his mouth before pausing his gaze on Yahaba's pale visage. The said brunette was looking awfully fidgety in addition to his poor looking health; the boy kept twisting in his seat, looking like he wanted to leave the uncomfortable seating, but at the same time had no will to get up. 

Kyoutani, on the other hand, seemed like his shoulders were being weighed down by a thousand tons, and you could practically pull a hair brush out of his eye bags. Iwaizumi suddenly sat up straighter, and his eyes light up slightly as he drops his pastry down. The older boy put two and two together as he swiped his hands together a few times to dust them off. 

"Do you think I could convince Kunimi and Kindaichi to come next time, I know they only recently got together, but they're so cute and they would be a wonderful addition-"

Without bothering to try and hide it, a grin most feral stretched across Iwaizumi’s face. The rather wild smile had his tiger tooth poking at his bottom lip, shining eyes conveying a knowing attitude. Ignoring the babbling boy - that nudged his foot against his leg to get him to pay attention and then kept talking - to his left as he reaches down to slip his phone out of his back pocket. He idly flicks through his contacts for a bit, before his thumb gave a quick tap over the name [The Family Dog]. 

  
  


**To: The Family Dog | 1:56 pm**

_ [Did you break him?] _

  
  


Green eyes watched as Kyoutani whipped his own phone out from the front pocket of his hoodie and unlocked it. Amber eyes scanned across the screen, absorbing the content. A small ghost of a smile slipped on his lips, and his free hand quickly typed something. Iwaizumi felt his phone buzz, and he looked down to check it. 

**From: The Family Dog | 1:57 pm**

_ [fuck yeah i did _ ] 

  
  


Iwaizumi barked out a short laugh in response. Yahaba head jerked back slightly, focusing his eyes on the two boys in front of him. The brunette glanced back and forth between them, then looked at his partner, tilting his head and raising his right eyebrow questioningly. 

A long lasting grin finally made its way into Kyoutani's face, and he tilted his phone to show him the messages on the screen. Yahaba’s expression shifted from wide eyed, deer-in-headlights surprise to a shrug of his shoulders with a coy smile playing on his lips in such quick succession that the first emotion was nearly undetectable. He glanced at Iwaizumi, right corner of his lips raised into a one sided smirk and raising him and Kyoutani's intwined hands, pressing a kiss to the bleach blond's knuckles. Oikawa stopped talking after the gesture had caught his attention, head moving to carefully look over the participants with a scrunch of his eyebrows. 

"What the hell did I miss?" he asked finally, turning to Iwaizumi and smacking his forearm a few times for emphasis while the three visibly shook from contained laughter.

That was the cue for the three boys to double over into a fit of hysterics. Red begins to visibly color Oikawa's face as he watches them dissolve from the sound of happiness, and multiple attempts at tugging at his boyfriend to get him to tell the story ultimately fail. When they finally settle down - grins still well placed on their faces - they throw questioning glaces at each other and Iwaizumi finally sighs. He picks up his phone after Yahaba shrugs his shoulders and Kyoutani rolls his eyes. A few taps on the phone screen later and Oikawa’s phone buzzes **.**

  
  


**From: Daddy <3 | 2:26 pm**

**< To: The Family Dog | 1:56 pm**

_ Did you break him? _

  
  


**From: The Family Dog | 1:57 pm**

_ Fuck yeah i did. _ **>**

  
  


**To: Daddy <3 | 2:27pm**

_ [Are you fucking KIDDING me?] _

  
  


_ ———-  _

  
  


**From: My Wife | 2:27pm**

_ [Are you fucking KIDDING me?] _

  
  


**To: My Wife | 3:01pm**

_ [Well, he’s fucking but he’s not exactly kidding] _

  
  


**From: My Wife | 3:02pm**

_ [You’re a fucking smartass and i love you.] _

**Author's Note:**

> DID YOU LIKE IT? I hope you did! This was basically a writing exercise for me also we really DESPERATELY want comments so if you have anything to say, please do! <3


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